Our Methodology
The rigorous scientific* framework behind the Corn Cob Severity Indexβ’
*extremely loose definition of "scientific"
Introduction
In 2023, researchers at the Corn Cob Club Institute for Online Behavior (not a real institute) began developing a comprehensive framework for measuring how owned someone is on the internet. The result: the Corn Cob Severity Indexβ’ (CCSI), a proprietary 5-level scale for quantifying digital humiliation.
This is satire. Obviously.
The 5-Level Severity Scale
Based on extensive analysis of getting owned online (we looked at a lot of tweets), we identified five distinct severity levels:
Slightly Salted
Definition: Minor posting mishap. Recoverable with minimal intervention.
Indicators: 3-5 replies disagreeing with you, no quote tweets, you can still show your face online.
Recovery Time: 24-48 hours
Lightly Toasted
Definition: Noticeable L, but you can still log on without cringing.
Indicators: Got ratioed once, a few people you don't know are mocking you, minor embarrassment.
Recovery Time: 3-7 days
Moderately Cobbed
Definition: Significant posting injury. Professional intervention recommended.
Indicators: Multiple ratio events, quote tweets in the hundreds, strangers are laughing at you, someone made a meme.
Recovery Time: 2-4 weeks
Severely Cobbed
Definition: Critical condition. Immediate logging off required.
Indicators: You're trending (derogatory), screenshots spreading across platforms, people you went to high school with are texting you about it.
Recovery Time: 1-3 months
Fully Corn Cobbed
Definition: Terminal posting condition. Full transformation into corn cob imminent or complete.
Indicators: Multiple platforms, news articles, your mom called, you're actively saying "I'm not owned!", complete denial of reality.
Recovery Time: 3-6+ months, possibly permanent
Assessment Methodology
Our quiz employs advanced psychological techniques (multiple choice questions) to evaluate key indicators:
Denial Magnitude
How much are you insisting you're "not owned" while clearly being owned?
Response Compulsion
Frequency of checking notifications and inability to log off.
Doubling Down Index
Tendency to make things worse by posting more.
Reality Dissociation
Gap between your perception and what actually happened.
Each question is weighted based on severity contribution. We won't share the exact formula because we made it up and it changes when we feel like it.
Research Basis
Our methodology draws from several established fields:
- Posting Science - The study of why people tweet things they shouldn't
- Ratio Dynamics - Mathematical analysis of getting owned in public
- Digital Shame Psychology - How the internet makes you feel bad
- Meme Epidemiology - Tracking how fast you become a laughingstock
- Log-off Therapy - The clinical practice of touching grass
None of these are real academic fields. We made them up. But they should be real.
Known Limitations
In the interest of academic rigor (lol), we acknowledge the following limitations:
- Sample size: Based on vibes
- Peer review: We asked our friends and they said it was funny
- Control group: Didn't have one
- Statistical significance: Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
- Reproducibility: Results vary wildly, as expected
- Clinical validity: Zero. Absolutely zero.
Important: This is a comedy website. If you're citing this methodology in actual research, please don't. But if you do, please send us the paper because that would be hilarious.
Validation Studies
Study 1: We tested the quiz on 12 people. 11 of them said it was "pretty accurate actually" and 1 said we were being mean. We consider this a success.
Study 2: We looked at famous instances of people getting owned online and retroactively assigned them CCSI scores. Conclusion: The scale works if you already know the answer.
Study 3: We posted something controversial on purpose to test our own methodology. We scored a 3 (Moderately Cobbed). The methodology appears sound.
All studies conducted by us, reviewed by us, published by us. No conflicts of interest detected (we didn't look).
Conclusion
The Corn Cob Severity Indexβ’ represents a breakthrough in internet humiliation quantification. While the methodology may be technically unscientific, legally dubious, and academically questionable, it has proven highly effective at one thing: making people laugh and then immediately worry they might be corn cobbed.
Further research is needed. But honestly, we're probably just going to keep making up numbers.
For more information: There is no more information. This is it. Take the quiz or don't. We're not your supervisor.
Ready to Be Assessed?
Experience our totally legitimate scientific methodology firsthand.
Take the Quiz β