🌽 Recovery

You're Going to Be Okay

(Probably. We're not doctors. We're not even real therapists. But we've seen some things and have Opinions™ about your posting habits.)

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Is It Happening Right Now?

Notifications going insane? Quote tweets piling up? That sinking feeling in your stomach?

1 CLOSE THE APP (yes, right now, we'll wait)

2 Turn off ALL notifications (not "just for an hour")

3 Physically walk to another room

4 Don't check for 2+ hours (or forever, that works too)

CRITICAL: Your brain is screaming "BUT I CAN EXPLAIN" - it's lying. That tweet you're crafting in your head? It will make everything 847% worse. We have data on this.

The "Oh God What Have I Done" Timeline

Spoiler: Everyone goes through these. You're not special (sorry).

Phase 1

The "Oh Fuck" Stage

First 24 hours

STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD
Delete that draft tweet you just wrote (yes, that one)
Notifications OFF (not muted, OFF)
Call literally any human person who isn't online
Do not, under ANY circumstances, "clarify your position"

Reality check: You think you can win this with one more tweet. You cannot. That's the corn cob talking.

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Phase 2

The Reckoning

Days 1-3

Take our quiz to quantify exactly how cooked you are
Admit (to yourself only) what you actually did wrong
Check if you owe anyone an apology (spoiler: maybe)
Go outside and look at a tree or something
Realize that nobody will remember this by Friday

Hard truth: The discourse moved on 6 hours ago. They're dunking on someone else now. You're yesterday's main character.

Phase 3

Rebuilding Your Life

Weeks 1-2 (maybe longer, we're not judging)

Stay off the timeline (yes, even lurking counts)
Read our articles about why you're like this
Figure out what makes you post the dumb stuff (it's usually after 11 PM)
Practice having thoughts without broadcasting them
Remember what hobbies are

Warning: You'll start feeling better and think "okay I can post again." That's your brain lying to you. Give it another week.

Phase 4

Post-Traumatic Growth (Allegedly)

The rest of your life, good luck

Maybe post again (jury's still out on this one)
Set a hard rule: no posting after 10 PM or when emotional
Delete the app on weekends (seriously, try it)
Talk to people IRL about things (weird but effective)
When you see someone getting owned, resist the urge to pile on

Final boss: You WILL get owned again. Maybe next week, maybe next year. But now you know: close app, touch grass, wait 48 hours. You got this.

Practical Tools

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Make Your Phone Less Evil

Turn off notifications (not "just Twitter", ALL of them)
Bury the apps in a folder called "BAD CHOICES"
Set time limits then actually respect them for once
Grayscale mode makes scrolling depressing (this is good)
Do Not Disturb is your friend, use it constantly

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Lies to Tell Yourself (They Help)

"Nobody will remember this tomorrow"
"I literally do not have to engage"
"Being wrong online is free and happens to everyone"
"This person's avi is an egg, why am I arguing"
"The internet is not my real life (I think?)"

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Things to Do Instead of Logging On

Touch grass (yes, literally)
Call someone and use your voice like a caveman
Remember books? Those paper things? Read one.
Walk somewhere without your phone (terrifying but effective)
Cook a meal that requires focus so you can't doomscroll

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DO NOT (We're Serious)

Post your way out of this (you cannot, stop trying)
Fight on multiple fronts (you're not that good at multitasking)
"I'm not owned! I'm not owned!" (you are though)
Make an alt to agree with yourself (everyone knows it's you)
Post screenshots to prove you're right (this proves you're owned)

Where Are You in Your Recovery?

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