I Became Main Character for Posting About Oat Milk

Yes, oat milk. The coffee thing. That’s what destroyed my life for 48 hours.

How It Started

Tweeted: “oat milk is just bean water and you’re all pretending it tastes good”

Seemed harmless. Little spicy. I hit send and went to make dinner.

How It Went

Came back to 847 notifications. The vegans found it. Then the lactose intolerant people. Then, somehow, the dairy farmers. My mentions became a warzone.

But here’s where I messed up: I kept replying.

“Actually if you look at the agricultural impact—” Wrong move.

“I’m not owned! I’m not owned!” I typed at 2 AM, obviously owned.

The Screenshots

Someone screenshotted my thread and posted “imagine dying on the oat milk hill.” That got 40K likes. More than anything I’ve ever posted in my life.

Another screenshot: “main character of the day.”

Another: my face (from my profile pic) photoshopped onto a carton of oat milk.

I became a meme. Multiple memes. There’s a TikTok about me. I’m in a YouTube video titled “When Twitter Goes Too Far Over Milk Alternatives.”

The Meltdown

Posted a 14-tweet thread at 3 AM explaining my “nuanced position” on oat milk. It made everything worse.

Then posted “I’m deleting my account.” Didn’t delete it. Posted again 4 hours later trying to clarify. Made it even worse.

Someone dug up a tweet from 2019 where I said “oat milk is pretty good actually.” They found the inconsistency. I had no defense.

Recovery Journey

Finally deleted Twitter. For real this time. Lasted 6 hours. Reinstalled it to “check.” Bad idea.

Took the quiz. Got a 5 (Fully Corn Cobbed). Joined a support group. Started touching grass. Actual grass. At the park. With my phone in another room.

Current Status

It’s been 47 days. I still check Twitter sometimes (I’m not perfect). But I don’t tweet. I especially don’t tweet about:

• Oat milk
• Any milk
• Any beverage opinions
• Food takes in general
• Anything controversial
• Actually maybe I just shouldn’t tweet

The internet mostly forgot. Mostly. Sometimes I still see the meme. Someone used it in a presentation about “brand crises” at their marketing job.

What I Learned

• Nobody needs your opinion on oat milk
• “I’m not owned” = definitely owned
• The quote tweet is not your friend
• Main character of the day is not an achievement
• Some hills are not worth dying on (oat milk is one)

Still in recovery. Taking it one day at a time. My therapist says I’m making progress.

Days since last controversial food take: 47 and counting